Out of Order
by DarlingMalfoyxx
Summary: The proposal, The Honeymoon, The Pregnancy, and real life...Not necessarily in that order.
1. UNTIE ME!

**A/N: New Story! It's dialogue-only, since that's what I've wanted to work on mostly from my last story and this was the easiest…or should I say, hardest, way to handle it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! I got a laugh out of it, I hope that you get a few out of it too!**

**Chapter One… "UNTIE ME!"**

"Merlin, this is beautiful!"

"It better be, for what I paid."

"Oh, shut up, you're just going to ruin it!"

"At this rate, it's going to ruin me Granger. Will you just put it on?"

"…" 

"What?"

"Aren't you forgetting something Draco?"

"No. Here's me. On one knee on a bed which is not as easy as it looks by the way. And there's you. Right there. Here's the ring. Would you just bloody put it on woman?!"

"I won't."

"What?! But…I thought you wanted to get married!"

"So, you just go around marrying people whenever they feel like it then?"

"_No_, Hermione don't look at me like that."

"…"

"Hermione. Stop that. Hermione don't. No, don't leave. Hermione. Leave the clothes on the ground you!"

"Make me."

"And how do you propose I do that? Tie you down to the bed?! Actually…"

"Don't you even think about it, you git!"

"What? I wasn't thinking anything. I was only going to do this."

"DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY! IF YOU DON"T UNTIE ME RIGHT NOW I WILL MURDER YOU!"

"Believe me, if you could've, you'd have already done it."

"_Draco… _Bloody hell, Draco!"

"Promise me you won't leave!"

"UNTIE ME!"

"Fine. _Finite Incantatem."_

"…"

"Hermione don't throw them out there. They were expensive! Hermione!"

"Glad to know that your bloody fur cloak means more than I do!" 

"It does _not_. I love you!"

"So prove it!"

"What are you? Blind? Deaf, perhaps? Goddammit I just proposed to you!"

"You didn't propose! You got me naked. Then got down on your bloody knees and nearly threw the ring at me!"

"That's what got you angry? Don't be ridiculous."

"RIDICULOUS?! You know. You're just like Ronald! You've seriously got the emotional range of a teaspoon!"

"_No._"

"_Yes._"

"Dammit woman. I cannot believe you just brought Weasley into the conversation on my bed!"

"Oh, so now it's _your_ bed, huh?"

"Would you stop doing that?"

"Doing what?!"

"Twisting around everything I say!"

"I am not. You're just saying the wrong things!"

"I…oh sod it. It's not worth it. Wait no! Hermione I didn't mean that! Really! Hermione don't break it! You gave it to me, remember?!"

"So? Apparently, it's not really worth it!"

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"What then? What did you mean Draco?!"

"I meant that…oh, I don't know what I meant Hermione!"

"HOW. IS. THAT. SUPPOSED. TO MAKE. ANYTHING. BETTER?!?!"

"Hermione stop throwing things at me! I'm sorry!"

"I'm sorry too."

"Wha--? You are?"

"NO YOU IMBECILE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER WANTED TO MARRY YOU!"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Oh. And that just makes everything better then?"

"No, it doesn't! But it's a start isn't it?"

"…"

"No, don't start ignoring me. Hermione, come here. Ow! Don't kick me! Hermione come on! Hermione, will you marry me?"

"…"

"What?"

"Well, you don't expect the ring to magically slip on to my finger, do you?"

**A/N: Hope you like it so far! Tell me what you think! **

**Always,**

**Snow**


	2. I rather feel it's a girl

**A/N: Hey! Here's chappie number two! I'm actually not sure at all where this story is going or how long it's going to be, except for the fact that it's about Hermione and Draco's life before, during, and after marriage, so if you've got any suggestions or ideas…I'm listening! Anyway, on with the show…**

**Chapter Two… "I rather **_**feel**_** like it's a girl."**

"Hurry up. We're going to miss the flight!"

"I'm hurrying! I still can't fathom why we must use Muggle contraptions to get to the Canary Islands. Why not just apparate?!"

"I've always pictured myself taking an airplane to my honeymoon. And it would do you well not to argue with a woman. You won't win Draco. I can promise you that."

"We'll see about that. Malfoys always get their way."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. What are you laughing for? "

"Ermm, I'm a Malfoy too now, or haven't you realized? Oh, don't pout, you. Are you ready or not?"

"Yes. Now can we go get this twisted airopline ride over with? _Now_ why are you laughing? Hermione! Malfoys do not snort!"

"Well Grangers, past and present, do. _Airopline! _Honestly, love, you couldn't survive a week in the Muggle world."

"Well you— no, I suppose I probably couldn't…Can we at least apparate to the place where these _things_ take off?"

"And where do you propose we land? In plain sight, for everyone to see?"

"You don't mean…We have to take a taxi again?"

"Yes. Oh, don't look so horrified. It's not my fault that you weren't prepared last time. Now, you'll know it's best to not eat right before getting in."

"How was I supposed to know the bloody driver would drive as if he was possessed?"

"Like I said, you couldn't survive a week…"

"Hermione wait! You're not going to help me carry anything then? Since we can't even have them float to the car?"

"I can't. Pregnant women don't can't carry heavy luggage, Draco."

"Well then, maybe you shouldn't have— WHAT?! YOU"RE PREGNANT?!"

"Yeah I am. I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you, then. I found out yesterday at St. Mungo's. That's why I've felt so horrid since the wedding."

"Bloody Hell. Hermione come here! Ahh, I can't believe we're pregnant!! Well, I mean, _you're _pregnant. Not me. Or us, really because men can't—"

"Draco?"

"Yes, love?"

"Shut up please."

"Sorry dear. But—"

"One more thing."

"Yes?"

"You're squeezing me and your child so tightly, I can't breathe."

"Oh! Sorry Hermione! And you too, Draco Jr."

"Who says it's going to be a boy? I rather _feel_ like it's a girl."

"You _feel_ like it? Who are you, Professor Trelawney? _In the near or distant future, I am seeing a bundle of life brought to you. I have a strong feeling that it is a girl..."_

"Oh Lord. That was a ridiculously good impression of her."

"Well, you don't honestly believe that us Slytherin boys really sat and worked on _homework_ in the common room?!"

"Yeah I always wonder how you managed to be _second_ in all of your classes."

"That was low, Hermione."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Draco. I didn't mean it like that."

"Yeah, but if I gave you a hard time about your meanings like you did when I attempted to propose to you, you'd be angry for a week!"

"But you're going to be a father."

"What? No, don't change the subject! Well, I suppose I am… Daddy Draco. I rather like the sound of that."

"Daddy Draco? See, this is why I married you. Never short on laughs, you are."

"What? You're mean, you know. Very, very mean. Like, Slytherin mean. How the hell did you get put in to Gryffindor anyhow?"

"Well, I learn from the best I suppose…But I could still kick your ass at almost anything. And I'm not afraid to try. _That's _why I was in Gryffindor. Come on, now, we're really going to miss the plane!"

"Oy, devilish taxi here we come. If you have a miscarriage because of the Goddammed taxi, I won't feel bad at all!"

"Oh please, you'll probably cry! And, no I will not have a miscarriage. Let's go!"

XXX HOURS LATER ON THE PLANE XXX

"I cannot believe Muggles pay loads of pounds to have about a quarter of a square metre of space on this deathtrap _all the time._"

"Oh, It's not that bad. You are seriously spoiled. We're sitting in first class, for God's sake!"

"Poor souls who are forced to sit through that curtain back there. It's like being condemned."

"You sound completely ridiculous. I should be complaining about random things. Instead, you're sitting here acting like the pregnant one."

"…"

"Oh, so now you won't say anything at all? Fine then. Peace and quiet at last."

"You drive me absolutely out of my mind woman! You can't honestly be going to sleep now?!"

"Well, I was. Until you started speaking again. I knew it was too good to last…Oh, I'm only joking Draco. You know I love you."

"In a very abusive way."

"It's not abusive! It's the love of a pregnant woman. Take it or leave it."

"Ah, you know I'd take you any day."

"Draco! We're in public!"

"There's no more than five other people in this cabin… Yes. Hello sir. Fine day, isn't it…So, I can say whatever I want to my wife."

"Fine then. Well, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be—"

"Actually, I'd quite like to join you."

"Draco!"

"Don't blush Hermione. You've seen it all before."

"Draco stop it! You're so embarrassing!"

"It's just another reason why you love me…"

**A/N: I hope you liked it! I can't honestly see what the reason for this chapter was beyond some comic relief…Although I suppose the entire story is going to end up being comic relief… Anyway, I hope that I managed to have continuity in my story and that the characters were actually in-character. Tell me what you think!**

**Xx Snow**


	3. Honeymoon?

**A/N: Hey there! Sorry this took so long to post. I've been really busy. I don't have much to say this time except to please review! I love reading them and I generally reply to almost all of them unless I lose track of who I did and didn't reply to already. Anyway, without further ado…**

**Chapter Three…"Not Honeymoon…**_**honeymoon."**_

"Hermione! Draco! Welcome! Come inside."

"Thanks Ginny. Where's Harry?"

"He's in the kitchen. He's missed you!"

"Hermione!"

"Harry!"

"How was your honeymoon?"

"Well—"

"Draco…"

"Don't even go there, mate."

"Ronald!"

"Hermione! How are you?"

"Fine. Tired, but well, nonetheless."

"Oh yeah. I can imagine. All of that relaxing must have taken a real toll on you!"

"Oh stop it."

"Well, we did more than just relax you know. We—"

"Draco, really!"

"Alright, I think we can head into the kitchen now. Harry and Ron, lead the way."

"Thanks, Ginny. I don't want to know where that conversation would have gone."

"No problem Hermione. Although, Draco seemed really excited to brag about you… Oh, don't laugh. You know it's true."

"Well…"

"Anyway, we should go with the guys. They probably can't find the kitchen. We still haven't gotten used to the bloody new house."

"Right. Draco does have a keen sense for where the liquor is though."

"Not in this house, he won't. Believe me!"

"Draco! Wait!"

"What?"

"The liquor will wait for you, you know."

"Oh very funny, Mrs. Malfoy. You're a right comic."

"I know. I'm just that amazing. Ohh! Draco!"

"Hey! Honeymoon's over, you two!"

"Ronald! Just leave them be!"

"But Ginny, love, really we don't want to see that."

"You too Harry! Head to the kitchen. We'll meet you there okay?"

"Fine. If we can find it."

"You, Ronald, will be able to smell the roasting lamb when you're within 10 metres of the place."

"…"

"Alright. Let's go then."

XXX

"SURPRISE!"

"Wh- What?"

"Happy Birthday Draco!" 

"Hermione! You knew about this?"

"Well…"

"I thought we were just going to have a quiet dinner tomorrow…"

"Draco? You don't like it? I just thought you might like to have an actual party instead. Err…"

"No! It's not that… It's just that…well, I've never really had a birthday party before. Or, friends to share it with really."

"Oh, Draco…Well, you've got it now. It'll be great fun. You'll see."

"Yeah, mate. We'll get you knackered on some great firewhiskey while the women gossip in the Kitchen and Fleur runs around after baby Phoenicia. It'll be great!"

"Harry's right. Then, you'll open that mound of presents over there after we've finally convinced Phoenicia that they're not important and eat cake."

"Cake, Ron? Is that all you can ever think of?"

"Sorry, Pansy. I'm hungry, that's all."

"Well, the food will be ready in about a half hour. You men can go listen to a quidditch game or something."

"Okay. We'll do that…Err, living room's this way…"

"Harry, it's the opposite way, love."

'Right. Sorry. Over here then."

"Finally, they're gone!"

"Pansy! Are you that excited to get rid of him?"

"Angelina, don't tell me you weren't ready to see Fred leave. Stop laughing Katie! You too!"

"Girls, really! We all know why we wanted to have the men leave."

"Why? Wait, why are you all looking at me? Fleur, why did we want the men to leave?"

"Seriously Hermione. You're the brightest witch in your year, you honestly don't understand?"

"What?!"

"How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, it was great. They had these really beautiful flowers—"

"Hermione!" 

"Ginny! Why are you yelling? You just asked me about my honeymoon and I'm telling you all about it!"

"…"

"Wha— oh. OH! You mean…_the honeymoon._ Well, it was _amazing,_ if you know what I mean."

"Finally! She's catching on!"

"Thanks Pansy. You asked about the honeymoon! How was I supposed to know you meant the _honeymoon?_"

"Well, if we had wanted to ask about foliage, we wouldn't have bothered sending the men out. Now, they'll come back in time to open presents as stumbling idiots and set bad examples for Phoenicia. Besides just acting like fools, that is."

"Oh, well, that makes sense I suppose."

"Yeah –"

"FOOD!"

"Could you really hear the bell from the living room Ron?"

"Yeah, Ginny I actually could. I'm that hungry!"

"You're ALWAYS that hungry!"

"Aw, bugger off. "

"Oh, don't you tell me to bugger off Ronald!"

"Hey, when did mum come? Oh, wait. Sorry Ginny! I didn't mean it! Put down the frying pan!"

"Fred…"

"Really, Gin. I was only joking!"

"I am not mum!"

"I never said you were! Well…"

"FRED!"

"Sorry! Sorry! OW!"

"There, that's what you get. Watch out, or next time it won't be the ladle. It'll be the entire pan!"

"Hermione. Is their family always like this?"

"Yes, love. It really is. Isn't it great?"

"Great? Err…yes. That's it."

**A/N: Okay, there was chapter three. It was more a of real life take I suppose and it was actually pretty hard to try to have a dialogue-only conversation between more than two people. I kept trying to make it clear who was speaking when without inserting their names too often to make it sound forced. I hope I succeeded. Tell me what you think!**

**Xx Snow**


	4. What! Your Stomach?

**A/N: I'm back finally with chapter four of the newly entitled Out of Order, which used to be called And They Thought We Were Crazy…just in case you were wondering. Sorry for any confusion! Without further ado…**

**Chapter Four… "What?! Your Stomach?"**

"It's so nice to finally be home again."

"You have no idea, love. I'm just glad I won't have to sleep sitting upright in a plastic chair ever again."

"Ever?"

"What…are you planning on having any more children?"

"I rather despised being an only child, you know. Why would I do that to my own poor little girl?"

"I personally enjoyed being an only child. More for me."

"You are such a Malfoy."

"As you've now reminded at least a hundred times, so are you, dear."

"Hm. Well, it was a girl. Guess I was right, huh?"

"You're never going to let it go, are you? Stop laughing Hermione! You got your wish. We didn't name our child after me."

"Right you are. She's adorable though, isn't she?"

"Now that, I can agree with. And she's all ours."

"Hyacinth Rose Malfoy…Sounds nice, doesn't it?"

"Just perfect. Oh, I love you Hermione."

"I love you too, Draco…Now, about those other children?"

"What other— Oh, Hermione, I don't know. The past nine months were…rocky, to say the least. With the mood swings, your incorrect insistences that you were fat and the miscarriage scare. God help me if I put myself in that situation again. Need I remind you?"

**.:Flashback:.**

"Ah… Draco!"

"Hermione?! What's wrong?"

"OHHH!"

"What?! Your stomach? No? Bloody Hell...The BABY!"

"YESSS! DRACO!"

"Oh Lord…Err…What are we going to do? Ohhh."

"WE'RE not going to do…ANYTHING! YOU are going to drive to the HOSPITAL!"

"Right! That's a good idea. How did I end up marrying such a smart witch?"

"DRACO! Merlin it's common sense! OH!"

"Sorry! I'm sorry! Where's your bag?"

"There!"

"There? You're going to have to be more specific than—"

"Draco!"

"Okay, okay. There…Oh! I see it. Alright, let's get in the car."

"Thank you so much. I would've never figured that out on my own!"

"I'm just saying…Pregnant women…"

"DRACO!"

XXXX

"Damn this traffic. Tell me again why we moved to London. Why are you hissing at me Hermione?"

"I'm in pain Draco! What'd you expect? For me to sit and chat about the traffic? What's next? The weather?"

"Hermione, relax!"

"RELAX! Oh, yes! That's exactly what I will do while I'm going into labor! Great idea, Draco!"

"Hermione, I am TRYING to get you to the fucking hospital. Give the Draco-bashing a break, will you?"

"Oh, Draco."

"Hermione? Oh, don't cry, love, I'm sorry!"

"It's not your fault! I'm so sorry! It's all my fault!"

"NO! It's not! I love you Hermione! You're amazing!"

"NO I'M NOOOTT! I'm fat and annoying and you hate me!"

"Merlin, Hermione, what made you think that?! I love you and you are my lovely, gorgeous wife who is bearing our child which only makes you even more breathtaking. That is a promise."

"Really? That's so nice? AHH! Draco, hurry!"

**.:End Flashback:.**

"Hey, I was in pain! What was I supposed to do? Sit like a good girl and watch the clouds pass by?" 

"Well, no. But that was one hour out of the nine months."

"So, I was a horrid hag the entire time?"

"No! I never said that!"

"But you were implying that my behavior while I was pregnant is the only reason you don't want to have any more children."

"It's not that…"

"It wasn't my behavior at all, was it?"

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Know exactly what I'm feeling?"

"Draco, I know you far too well. There's another reason for why you don't want to have another child."

"…"

"Draco, love, what's wrong?"

"M s..r..d."

"What's that?"

"I'm scared."

"Scared? The valiant, fearless Draco Malfoy is actually scared?! No! Alright, alright, I'm sorry. What are you scared of?"

"W..t e a go.. f..er."

"You're going to have to speak a bit louder darling. Call it post-partum hearing loss or whatever but I can't understand a word you just said."

"Hermione, I won't be a good father. Maybe we shouldn't even have had one child…"

"Oh Lord, Draco, no. Why wouldn't you be an amazing father? You're an amazing husband. And you've been nothing but loving to Hyacinth so far. It's not because of…him…is it?"

"Yeah, it is. Because of _him_, I almost ruined my entire life and would've if it hadn't been for you."

"Draco, listen very closely to me. You are not and will never be your father. You are not a murderer, nor are you incapable of loving. You were strong enough to break away from the ideas that you grew up learning and you are strong enough to love me so there is no doubt that you are strong enough to be an amazing father."

"But, Hermione, you don't understand. How am I supposed to explain why there is an evil mark burned into my arm? And what if we hit a rough spot in our relationship or we have a particularly horrid quarrel and I can't handle it and I just leave? I don't want to leave you like my father left my mother to go take care of Voldemort's bidding."

"And that's exactly why you won't. Your father didn't care what he had to do to finish the tasks set to him. You care and love too much to do the same. Draco, I need you to trust me, you will be a great father because you are not your father."

"Hermione?"

"Yes, love?"

"You're an amazing person, you know that? I must have been touched by an angel the day we were assigned to that mission for the Order."

"Draco, I really love you. You're definitely not the only lucky one."

"I love you too Hermione. Really, always and forever."

**A/N: Aww! Fluffy moment! So…yay or nay? Let me know what you think! Oh, and any ideas about the adventures Hermione and Draco should or could have in their perfectly imperfect marriage would be greatly appreciated! **

**xx Snow**


	5. I vow

**A/N: Finally, this chapter is done and I've put it up here. Enjoy!**

**Chapter Five… "I vow…"**

"Draco, I'm going shopping for the party. Do you know anything else we might need other than what I've got here?"

"Err, yeah. Here's a list of really important supplies."

"Really important? Draco, what are hair gel and shaving cream doing on the list of party supplies? Are you planning on being the live entertainment or something?"

"We can't have a party if my hair looks like a disaster and I've got stubble like Potter. I think I'd rather just jump into the Thames River in December."

"I don't know why I was ever attracted to you. I mean, honestly. A little stubble never hurt anyone."

"That's what you'd think. Last time I hadn't shaved and grown stubble was when I had lain in bed for three days because I thought you had rejected that first note I wrote to you."

"Well, it's really not my fault that you actually were so blind…and deaf and probably dumb as well so that you didn't realize that sending Pansy Parkinson to deliver the letter was a horrid idea."

"What was wrong with that? She offered and I thought it was just a nice thing."

"She offered? And you're saying you had no idea that she was so madly in love with you that she would actually enchant the letter to appear to Gryffindors as, like they say in the United States, hate mail."

"Well, of course I knew. Let's face it. There weren't many girls who didn't want me. It was inevitable—"

"You are so full of yourself!"

"— I just thought that she was doing it to help me out. As if it would have actually changed my mind about you."

"You actually believed that she was supposedly delivering the letter out of the kindness of her heart? Are you that naïve or are you just acting that way?"

"Ah well. Glad that's over with."

"Yeah, I suppose. Anyway, I'm going to go to the store. Maybe, if I'm feeling generous, I may get some of your supplies."

"Maybe?"

XXX

"Hermione, who are all of these people?!"

"Draco, these are my coworkers and Harry and Ginny are here. Oh, and I believe the rest of the Weasley clan has arrived. Just be nice. If I lose my job because you decide to have a fit, I'll never speak to you again."

"Oh Merlin. What a threat…Oh. Okay. Err, Hermione, love, there's really no need to look at me like that. I'll be nice."

"You better or I'll hide your razor and make sure you can't— Hello Minister. How are you today? Good! That's lovely! Yes, enjoy the party!"

"Hermione, you are such a suck-up."

"Excuse me? A suck-up? What is that? Is it one of your perverted attempts at getting a laugh? Like the time when you told my mother that she needed to use protection and then claimed you were talking about oven mitts!"

"No! I really was talking about oven mitts! It's not my fault your mind's in the gutter. Well, actually, maybe it is but regardless! And I heard the term suck-up on that American television programme I love so much."

"What does it mean?"

"I believe it means that you are overly polite and you try extremely hard to get on the Minister's good side by way of flattery and the like. So much so, that you look ridiculous doing it."

"I do not!"

"Actually, you do. It's to be expected I suppose. You really can't do much about it. So, let's forget about it!"

"The only thing you can forget about tonight is sleeping within a ten-foot radius of our bedroom."

"Are you serious? Hermione, come on! You can't honestly be angry with me!"

"You just called me a suck-up! I can and I will!"

"Hermione, I'm sorry! Really, I don't always think before I say something. And it usually comes out wrong!"

"Well, there's something you may actually be right about."

"Hermione…come here. Please. Hermione…"

"Draco, just stay away from me until this party ends. And then maybe we'll talk."

"Stay away from you? Are you trying to torture me?"

XXX

"Damn, the flat looks like a disaster."

"Here, I've got it. There, all done. Will you look at me, please, Hermione?"

"You, know, Draco. I'd really love it sometimes if you'd actually just not insult me and then apologize. Do you really think so little of me?"

"No, that's not it! Hermione, I wasn't thinking before! I don't like to hurt you! Ever! I love you too much!"

"But that's how it always is, isn't it? You call me out on a fault and then tell me you love me and everything is supposed to go back to normal?"

"How can I prove that I'm really sorry?!"

"I don't know if you can! I don't want just another apology. I'm just going to go to bed. Don't bother following…"

"I vow to love you, Hermione Jean Granger, for all of eternity. Through whatever may come our way, I promise to shield and protect you from pain and suffering. In the good and the bad, my love for you will stand true and never falter. Every day and night, in sickness and in health, even in hard times, and regardless of what I may say, I will always be there for you."

"What? Oh my Lord, you remembered? I can't believe it…those were the most beautiful words I'd ever heard. They still are, really. Oh…you meant them, didn't you?"

"Of course! I've remembered them this long, haven't I? I really, truly, with everything I have, love _you._"

"Oh, Draco! I forgive you. I do. I love you too. Come to bed?"

**A/N: Hey there! I hope you liked this chapter. It was probably the hardest to write so far. Actually, the more I write, the harder it's becoming to come up with something new and only partially cliché. So, I think that at least for now, this story is finished. Maybe, in the future, I may have an urge to continue this story but not right now. Especially with school starting and everything, I don't have much time so I'll probably come back next summer and have a ton of new ideas and we'll see what happens then. Thanks for reading! And sticking with the story! Review?**

**Xx Snow**


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